See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil
(The Personal Assistant Code)

by Mystery Blogger Jordan

Once you’ve seen your boss in his or her underwear, a boundary has definitely been crossed. For those of you who have actually seen their celebrity boss naked, it’s a whole other story. That story is one you need to keep to yourself. As cool as it would be to be able to tell your friends that your boss has cellulite like everybody else, you just can’t. Whether your boss swore you to secrecy upon hiring you or not, it is part of the Celebrity Personal Assistant Code that you have to live by. It must not be breached. Ever. You would think this goes without saying: never divulge personal details about your boss to the world.
I did too, until I hired a temp in my office. Let’s call her “Charlotte”. Actually, I didn’t exactly hire her; I inherited her. As it happens so often in the celebrity world, there are dozens of people that your boss will end up owing favors to, after a career of hitting up connections for various “necessities” (that’s a whole other blog story.) The payback often involves giving a friend of a friend of friend’s unemployable cousin, niece or brother a job. Anyway, to make a long story short, I would never have picked out this person as my second assistant. She was incredibly naïve, vain, self-absorbed and definitely unqualified. Her previous jobs all involved some aspect of retail sales at suburban malls. Needless to say, my boss loved her.

Charlotte was (and is) pretty, younger and adoring. She told me several times that our boss is “da bomb”. She is a nice enough person, don’t get me wrong. She just has no idea what was involved in being a personal assistant. In her opinion, all I do all day is talk on the phone to cool people and have a great time. She does not understand the work that I do. She does not understand the importance of the things I am not saying, the things I was not doing. For example, like all professional assistants, I am friendly on the phone but not familiar with the famous people I was speaking to. After hanging up with a celebrity, she would chastise me: “Dude, how come you didn’t ask him if he was really going out with Paris Hilton or not? I would so be all over that!” Then she would type furiously on her keyboard and sulk because I talked to Mr. Hunk-of-the-Month and she hadn’t.

To make it up to her, I would give her assignments that I knew she could handle. Once, when we had paparazzi staked out in front of the estate, I asked Charlotte to go outside and surreptitiously get the make, model and license plate numbers for their cars. This was in case we wanted to call the police if the paparazzi got to be a problem. Sometimes we keep track of the days and times they park outside. It’s just routine security. Charlotte approached this task with enthusiasm. She thought it was a top secret assignment. Hush, Hush Sweet Charlotte!

Unfortunately her lack of understanding of her role of what celebrity personal assistants do did not stop here.  She had internet access.  Of course     we all do     and it’s a good thing because that is how I found out what she was saying about her job our celebrity employer and the office on the internet. A mutual contact accidently found the following on Charlotte’s page:

ADVANTAGES:
- Sitting at a desk all day.
- Listening to other peoples problems
- My boss’s personal assistant considers me her spy…COOL…
- Free screeners to watch all day
- Listening to music all day
- Telling stalkers that they are not allowed to see my boss
- Sounding very professional over the phone… Ms. So-and-So’s Office     this is Charlotte – how can I help you? No my boss isn’t available would you like to leave your name and number and his personal assistant can return your call?
- I have other celebrity phone numbers like Julia Roberts and Bruce Willis in my rolodex.
- DRAMA…

DISADVANTAGES:
- Seeing your boss naked
- Not knowing when you are going to see your boss naked
- Boss yelling and screaming in your presence
- Sitting at my desk not doing nothing
- Stalkers thinking they are allowed to walk in the property whenever they please
- Taking packages to my boss’s house

Since she made references to the identity of our celebrity employer all over the place on her MySpace page     this was to say the least     an awkward situation.  Only an idiot would not be able to connect the dots and know who she had seen “naked yelling and screamin” among other things. If she had not been the relative of someone very close to my boss     trust me     this girl would have been fired on the spot.  Lucky for her     my hands were tied.  She was in too powerful of a position to be confronted directly. Plus     my boss would never have listened if I brought it up     because he would have thought I was over-reacting.  The business manager was alarmed     but didn’t know what to do about it either     so he dumped it back on me. The only thing I could do about the situation was damage control. I tried to not let Charlotte in on any highly sensitive issues happening in the office for fear it would be the headline of her next MySpace posting.

The point I want to make is that we cannot always control what the other people in a celebrity’s life will do or say.  Many times I’ve called a local store near my employer’s house.  While I am making an order     the clerk on the phone will sometimes repeat gossip about my boss.  Unfortunately     my boss has an ex-girlfriend who shops at the same store that he does. While she’s there     she’s been known to give an earful of embarrassing details about his latest girlfriend to the store manager while she was shopping.  Usually everyone within shouting distance can hear it too. People talk.  That’s how the tabloids make money.  My personal belief is that the people closest to the celebrity definitely shouldn’t be doing the talking.  Even if we can’t stop rumors or confidential information from being leaked celebrity personal assistants should make sure the stories being spread aren’t by them.  I wouldn’t want someone who has seen my cellulite to tell the world about it.  The least I can do for my boss is to give him the same courtesy.

Jordan